It's hectic, that's for one. There are two resources I'm sorely lacking: Time and money. It provides a wonderful base for negative thinking... which may be one of the motivations behind this post. The other thing is, that right after I mention BB in my blog, I ended up talking with her in a party. I haven't seen her in a while. It was great! I once dated the girl, and it was great to see that the woman she's grown into has managed to keep some of her attractive qualities. BB, in case you somehow stumble upon this blog, I tip my hat at you. You'll turn out alright, I can tell.
Yeah, so much for the pleasantries. Now, get ready to the dark journey to the unpleasant corners of my mind, AKA the top 10 list of stuff I'm scared of!
10. Creepy Crawlies
I originally labeled this item as "insects", but had to change it after careful consideration. You see, there is a specific definition of what constitutes as an insect, and for instance spiders are excluded. And spiders are the worst.
People who know me in the so-called real life may have witnessed me killing an insect, or a spider, with extreme prejudice. If confronted about it, I may have explained that I want to kill them off as quickly as I can, to keep them from suffering. The truth, however, is that I'm terrified, and if I don't succeed at killing them immediately, I might freak out. And that may lead into...
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| Interestingly, mosquitoes don't apply. They're merely annoying. |
9. Being Laughed At
"But Reno", you may say, "you make jokes about yourself all the time!" Yes, I know, I reply. You see, as long as I can make people laugh at my jokes, they are laughing with me, not at me. I'd guess this is a remnant of being bullied a lot and all that, because I don't feel like blaming everything on my father. But yeah, insecure -> doesn't like being laughed at. And as I have mentioned before,
"But Reno", you may say, "you make jokes about yourself all the time!" Yes, I know, I reply. You see, as long as I can make people laugh at my jokes, they are laughing with me, not at me. I'd guess this is a remnant of being bullied a lot and all that, because I don't feel like blaming everything on my father. But yeah, insecure -> doesn't like being laughed at. And as I have mentioned before,
8. Phone Calls to Strangers
This is apparently a very common, relatable fear. But allow me to explain a bit, anyhow. You see, I don't like to be surprised. Which is why I try to play conversations and scenarios in my head before they happen. But when you're calling someone you don't know, it's very difficult to estimate what they might say. (It's actually more difficult than when talking face to face, for some reason.) Working as a telemarketer did wonders on this, to the extent that when I realize I will have to call a stranger, I am not completely overwhelmed by debilitating fear. But it's still pretty bad.
This is apparently a very common, relatable fear. But allow me to explain a bit, anyhow. You see, I don't like to be surprised. Which is why I try to play conversations and scenarios in my head before they happen. But when you're calling someone you don't know, it's very difficult to estimate what they might say. (It's actually more difficult than when talking face to face, for some reason.) Working as a telemarketer did wonders on this, to the extent that when I realize I will have to call a stranger, I am not completely overwhelmed by debilitating fear. But it's still pretty bad.
7. Death
This is a tricky one to explain. You see, I am not afraid of dying, per se. Mostly I'm afraid of running out of time, before I have time to do everything I want to. Every thing. This fear is maybe my most stupid one, because some of the stuff I want to do is physically impossible for me. (Such as reliving childhood, as someone else, but with my current memories intact.)
This is a tricky one to explain. You see, I am not afraid of dying, per se. Mostly I'm afraid of running out of time, before I have time to do everything I want to. Every thing. This fear is maybe my most stupid one, because some of the stuff I want to do is physically impossible for me. (Such as reliving childhood, as someone else, but with my current memories intact.)
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| And it really eats away on me. |
6. Loneliness
I was hanging around with the exchange students (oh, I love me some exchange students!) when I had an epiphany. And seeing as I'm all brilliant and stuff, and everything I realize is so freaking important, I spouted it out. "I actually like most of the people." Now, I value my alone time, and I like to keep my distance (that's one of the reasons why exchangies are so great: Once they've been here for the half a year, they go back to where they came from and you may never see them again. No risk for too deep emotional connection. Essentially, single-use friends.) But I don't want to be left alone.
I was hanging around with the exchange students (oh, I love me some exchange students!) when I had an epiphany. And seeing as I'm all brilliant and stuff, and everything I realize is so freaking important, I spouted it out. "I actually like most of the people." Now, I value my alone time, and I like to keep my distance (that's one of the reasons why exchangies are so great: Once they've been here for the half a year, they go back to where they came from and you may never see them again. No risk for too deep emotional connection. Essentially, single-use friends.) But I don't want to be left alone.
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| This wasn't the picture I was looking for. But it gives me a funny feeling. |
5. Boredom
This may be somehow connected to the previous one. However, I don't actually mean the "Hmmm... nothing to do... "
kind of feeling. What I mean is waking up, ten years from now, and realizing my whole life is boring and eventless. And that it may by then be too late to fix it. I actually mentioned something about this in an earlier post.
This may be somehow connected to the previous one. However, I don't actually mean the "Hmmm... nothing to do... "
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| That's Willow. When she uses that phrase... People get hurt. |
4. Psychologists
Oh, yeah. If fear of death is my stupidest fear, this is by far the weirdest. You see, first off, it applies to all specialists of mental health: psychologists, psychiatrists, psycho the rapists, you name it! Secondly, I have no idea whatsoever as to why. And I know what they do. I have recommended a therapist to a friend more than once. Because I believe in therapists. It's just that when someone tries to suggest me the same, I plunge headfirst into an ocean of "do not WANT!". And, I'd really like to know why this is, but to do so, I should probably go see a mental health professional.
Oh, yeah. If fear of death is my stupidest fear, this is by far the weirdest. You see, first off, it applies to all specialists of mental health: psychologists, psychiatrists, psycho the rapists, you name it! Secondly, I have no idea whatsoever as to why. And I know what they do. I have recommended a therapist to a friend more than once. Because I believe in therapists. It's just that when someone tries to suggest me the same, I plunge headfirst into an ocean of "do not WANT!". And, I'd really like to know why this is, but to do so, I should probably go see a mental health professional.
3. Falling
Today is not a good day. I know this, because I considered putting a picture of a view down from a tall building, and now I can't shake that image off. See, acrophobia is my only actual phobia (as far as I know).
The funny thing about it, by the way, is that I am (usually) not really afraid of heights. It's just that I get this feeling that I will fall. And the falling is the part that terrifies me. Some wisecracker would probably point out here that it should be the "hitting the ground part". Well, no. You're wrong. I'm pretty sure it's the falling part.
The funny thing about it, by the way, is that I am (usually) not really afraid of heights. It's just that I get this feeling that I will fall. And the falling is the part that terrifies me. Some wisecracker would probably point out here that it should be the "hitting the ground part". Well, no. You're wrong. I'm pretty sure it's the falling part.
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| Happy thoughts! (They are baby platypuses, in case you didn't recognize.) |
2. Failure
Heh. If I've ever seen you failing at something, and taking it too seriously, you have probably received some variation of my "It's okay to fail, no-one can be good at everything" speech. Well, here's a funny thing. I don't feel like it applies to me. Whatever I do, it should be... if not absolute best, at least better than someone (or, preferably) everyone else's. And I am fully aware it's impossible to be the best at everything, thank you. I just can't feel that way. And the best part? It doesn't even make me give my 100% at everything! If anything, it makes me give up earlier than I should, "because it's not going to be good anyway".
And yeah, in case you're wondering, this one I am pinpointing on my father. Thanks a lot, daddy.
And now it is time, if you think you're ready, to talk about my number one fear. Here we go!
Heh. If I've ever seen you failing at something, and taking it too seriously, you have probably received some variation of my "It's okay to fail, no-one can be good at everything" speech. Well, here's a funny thing. I don't feel like it applies to me. Whatever I do, it should be... if not absolute best, at least better than someone (or, preferably) everyone else's. And I am fully aware it's impossible to be the best at everything, thank you. I just can't feel that way. And the best part? It doesn't even make me give my 100% at everything! If anything, it makes me give up earlier than I should, "because it's not going to be good anyway".
And yeah, in case you're wondering, this one I am pinpointing on my father. Thanks a lot, daddy.
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| I could have just posted this picture and got it over with. But no, I just had to try to explain it on my own words. |
And now it is time, if you think you're ready, to talk about my number one fear. Here we go!
1. Losing My Mind
This may take some explaining. In case you didn't already know, I'm one sharp cookie. It's the quality I'm most proud of, too. But, every now and then, especially when I'm tired, I may
So, yeah, there we have it. My number one fear, towering over falling, failures, loneliness and even death. The usual wishes here, hope you enjoyed, leave a comment, next post coming some time next month.
Hex, out.
- Completely forget about some things (and I mean completely)
- Lose track of conversation because I can't focus
- Forget what I was saying in the middle of a sentence or
- Let out a string of meaningless syllables without realizing it myself
So, yeah, there we have it. My number one fear, towering over falling, failures, loneliness and even death. The usual wishes here, hope you enjoyed, leave a comment, next post coming some time next month.
Hex, out.
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