You are so much

Hi, guys. Yes, I'm still here. I just had to take my newest posts down, because it was... ill-considered, and unintentionally hurtful. I hope none of you had time to see it.

Today's post is actually a quest post. This one is brought to you from a friend, who's not afraid to use his own name in the treacherous world of Internets. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jouni Hakkarainen.
(The translation from Finnish is mine, so any mistakes can be attributed to it.)

"What ama-ama-amazes me today is a single person's numerous and various roles. I'm not sure if I have mumbled about this earlier, but here goes with new thoughts and perspectives!

One interesting perspective in observing an individual's roles is age. [Girlfriend] just told me she had talked with her pal on the advent of coming of age, that "lol, we're soon like adults". Adulthood is an interesting concept, one people in their youth think either admiringly or abhorringly. Michael Monroe gets it spot on: "They say that youth is often wasted on the young." Only the contrast given by old age truly teaches to respect the freedom and ease of childhood.

The amazing country song by Chuck Wicks paints a picture of family roles, first and foremost. Why is it considered such a big deal, taking your partner to meet your parents for the first time? Is it big, because you normally don't tell anything pointless or extraneous about your own life? Is the introduction to parents so remarkable because it's done despite being awkward for everyone: The partner being introduced, the child who has done their choice, and the parents, who can't deal with the situation, or don't know what's good to say, and what should be left unsaid? Most likely all of the above, but one reason is, that when meeting his parents, a child is always... a child of their parents. When I was writing this, I wondered how I could describe an adult human being's relationship with their parents, but child is the only word that springs to mind.

I've also seen this myself. Being an adult is most difficult at home. At the university, I'm at least a thinking individual, and at work I'm even a salary-earning man, but when I'm home, I'm a child. When my father or mother give me advice for life, I humbly listen and may even ask for advice myself. Likewise, irritation is much stronger in domestic conditions. Many people say, that no matter how businesslike or sober they may be in their day-to-day lives, at home they often quarrel and row. At home, no-one believes the bullshit about you being an adult. You're a child, and you'll stay a child. When you're ready to take your partner to this setting, you put yourself in a vulnerable situation. Vulnerability is important in a relationship, because it's not enough to just have fun. There are certain things separating a romantic relationship from a friendship.

Another important role people have is the role among peers: The friends, that are of same age, and thus technically in the same situation. I'm lucky, because I'm still quite actively in touch with at least five friends, who were my friends already in primary school. Thank you all! Especially with long-time friends like these, a person shares a certain kind of a mirror role, because these people have seen you in many different situations. With these people you have grown, and been a child, youngster, adult, stupid, foolish, smart, seeking yourself, and wise.

In addition to the contemporary peers, a person creates their role according to their age. The legendary thirty years crisis is the time, when person is sort of forced to consider, what they have achieved in life and what still needs to be achieved. A thirty-year-old may, having played certain cards, be a college graduate, in a permanent employment and a long-time relationship, possibly even with children of their own. On the other hand, I don't feel that a person not having these so-called achievements in 30-year age, would have anything to be ashamed or sad of: As long as life is meaningful, it's also good, and it's definitely not a bad thing to have goals and happy things not yet experienced at thirty years of age... not that the person I described before wouldn't!

A day in a person's life, going through different roles, is very interesting. It's not at all impossible to wake up as a spouse, travel to work using public transport as a paying customer and a neverheard just sitting around, working as a trusted subordinate, employee, taxpayer and a work mate, goes to a lecture as an ignorant student, meets their acquaintances as a dear friend, eats out as a mouth to be fed and a customer to be served, returns home as a worn-out parent, and finally falls to bed again as a loved spouse.

And, finally, here goes something:

"

Not strong enough

It's the last week of school before holiday season, and let me tell you, if I make it through the week without punching someone or crying publicly, it's going to be a good week. Here's the brief runthrough:

On Monday, at approximately 4am, I finally got my Accounting assignment done. It was horrible. It still fails a lot, but at least I think I'll pass the course. And I can actually explain most of the numbers, which apparently is a requirement. So I got a solid four hours of sleep before getting up and going to school. We had a self and peer assessment session for the project I'm project manager of. It was quite cathartic to actually officially report forward my opinions of certain peers' participation (or lack thereof). Later on, we also had a more general feedback session.

So yeah, not much going on so far, except for running a bit low on sleep. However, I also had a deadline of a summary. Approximately 15 pages summarized, in two pages max. I also would need to add my notes from a meeting I didn't attend. And despite all this, I decided to take the work shift offered. The shift ended at 23.15.

I think I may have used this pic before, but it just... fits.

So, today I woke up at 7am and got to school. We had Amadeus program exam, and it was the most tear-worthy exam I've ever attended. The only good thing about it is that it's over now. With a bit of luck, I may have even passed and won't have to retake it after Christmas break. Next up, we have Spanish. I'm supposed to give a five-minute speech I have not prepared for. That's not the bad part. The bad part is that if I would list every word of Spanish I know, it would 't take me five minutes. (Yeah, I'm quitting Spanish.)

Tomorrow, we'll have what will most likely be the second-most tear-worthy exam I've ever attended. See, our Global Business Opportunities teacher is kind of peculiar in that he has a habit of actually demanding us to be able to think for ourselves. And it shows in the kind of work he expects from us. So, it will be tough. We would also have Spanish exam, but... yeah, not attending.

Wednesday night we will most probably be celebrating the End of the World As We Know It, because it's 12/12/12 and it's Wednesday.

And, on Thursday, we have another exam by the same guy we have tomorrow. This time it's Business English, which usually is not of big difficulty for me. However, seeing as I'm getting seriously sleep deprived, and increasingly frustrated, it may turn out to pose some considerable challenge. Plus, it's most likely going to be a handwritten exam, which means problems. See, I'm lefthanded, and that means I have to hold my wrist up when I write in order to not wipe off whatever I wrote. This means that my hand tires extremely fast, and it doesn't do any favors to readability, either.

And, on Friday, we have an exam based on the assignment I finished on Monday. About half of the class isn't even done yet, and I'm at the top half of the class anyway. However, everyone is stressing over it, and it's kind of rubbing off on me.

So, yeah. I may be making another blog post once this week is over and I can focus on something else besides how much everything sucks.

Top Ten List of Stuff I'm Scared of

Hello, children of all ages! The month is drawing to a close, and it's time for my newest blog post. The pace seems to be settling into monthly one. I don't feel like making a "life" post like the last one, however, I need to mention a couple of things about my life as it is currently.

It's hectic, that's for one. There are two resources I'm sorely lacking: Time and money. It provides a wonderful base for negative thinking... which may be one of the motivations behind this post. The other thing is, that right after I mention BB in my blog, I ended up talking with her in a party. I haven't seen her in a while. It was great! I once dated the girl, and it was great to see that the woman she's grown into has managed to keep some of her attractive qualities. BB, in case you somehow stumble upon this blog, I tip my hat at you. You'll turn out alright, I can tell.

Yeah, so much for the pleasantries. Now, get ready to the dark journey to the unpleasant corners of my mind, AKA the top 10 list of stuff I'm scared of!

10. Creepy Crawlies

I originally labeled this item as "insects", but had to change it after careful consideration.  You see, there is a specific definition of what constitutes as an insect, and for instance spiders are excluded. And spiders are the worst.

Interestingly, mosquitoes don't apply. They're merely annoying.

People who know me in the so-called real life may have witnessed me killing an insect, or a spider, with extreme prejudice. If confronted about it, I may have explained that I want to kill them off as quickly as I can, to keep them from suffering. The truth, however, is that I'm terrified, and if I don't succeed at killing them immediately, I might freak out. And that may lead into...

9. Being Laughed At
"But Reno", you may say, "you make jokes about yourself all the time!" Yes, I know, I reply. You see, as long as I can make people laugh at my jokes, they are laughing with me, not at me. I'd guess this is a remnant of being bullied a lot and all that, because I don't feel like blaming everything on my father. But yeah, insecure -> doesn't like being laughed at. And as I have mentioned before,

8. Phone Calls to Strangers
This is apparently a very common, relatable fear. But allow me to explain a bit, anyhow. You see, I don't like to be surprised. Which is why I try to play conversations and scenarios in my head before they happen. But when you're calling someone you don't know, it's very difficult to estimate what they might say. (It's actually more difficult than when talking face to face, for some reason.) Working as a telemarketer did wonders on this, to the extent that when I realize I will have to call a stranger, I am not completely overwhelmed by debilitating fear. But it's still pretty bad.

7. Death
This is a tricky one to explain. You see, I am not afraid of dying, per se. Mostly I'm afraid of running out of time, before I have time to do everything I want to. Every thing. This fear is maybe my most stupid one, because some of the stuff I want to do is physically impossible for me. (Such as reliving childhood, as someone else, but with my current memories intact.)

And it really eats away on me.

6. Loneliness
I was hanging around with the exchange students (oh, I love me some exchange students!) when I had an epiphany. And seeing as I'm all brilliant and stuff, and everything I realize is so freaking important, I spouted it out. "I actually like most of the people." Now, I value my alone time, and I like to keep my distance (that's one of the reasons why exchangies are so great: Once they've been here for the half a year, they go back to where they came from and you may never see them again. No risk for too deep emotional connection. Essentially, single-use friends.) But I don't want to be left alone.

This wasn't the picture I was looking for. But it gives me a funny feeling.

5. Boredom
This may be somehow connected to the previous one. However, I don't actually mean the "Hmmm... nothing to do... "

That's Willow. When she uses that phrase... People get hurt.

kind of feeling. What I mean is waking up, ten years from now, and realizing my whole life is boring and eventless. And that it may by then be too late to fix it. I actually mentioned something about this in an earlier post.

4. Psychologists
Oh, yeah. If fear of death is my stupidest fear, this is by far the weirdest. You see, first off, it applies to all specialists of mental health: psychologists, psychiatrists, psycho the rapists, you name it! Secondly, I have no idea whatsoever as to why. And I know what they do. I have recommended a therapist to a friend more than once. Because I believe in therapists. It's just that when someone tries to suggest me the same, I plunge headfirst into an ocean of "do not WANT!". And, I'd really like to know why this is, but to do so, I should probably go see a mental health professional.

3. Falling

Today is not a good day. I know this, because I considered putting a picture of a view down from a tall building, and now I can't shake that image off. See, acrophobia is my only actual phobia (as far as I know).
The funny thing about it, by the way, is that I am (usually) not really afraid of heights. It's just that I get this feeling that I will fall. And the falling is the part that terrifies me. Some wisecracker would probably point out here that it should be the "hitting the ground part". Well, no. You're wrong. I'm pretty sure it's the falling part.

Happy thoughts! (They are baby platypuses, in case you didn't recognize.)

2. Failure
Heh. If I've ever seen you failing at something, and taking it too seriously, you have probably received some variation of my "It's okay to fail, no-one can be good at everything" speech. Well, here's a funny thing. I don't feel like it applies to me. Whatever I do, it should be... if not absolute best, at least better than someone (or, preferably) everyone else's. And I am fully aware it's impossible to be the best at everything, thank you. I just can't feel that way. And the best part? It doesn't even make me give my 100% at everything! If anything, it makes me give up earlier than I should, "because it's not going to be good anyway".
And yeah, in case you're wondering, this one I am pinpointing on my father. Thanks a lot, daddy.

I could have just posted this picture and got it over with. But no, I just had to try to explain it on my own words.

And now it is time, if you think you're ready, to talk about my number one fear. Here we go!

1. Losing My Mind

This may take some explaining. In case you didn't already know, I'm one sharp cookie. It's the quality I'm most proud of, too. But, every now and then, especially when I'm tired, I may

• Completely forget about some things (and I mean completely)
• Lose track of conversation because I can't focus
• Forget what I was saying in the middle of a sentence or
• Let out a string of meaningless syllables without realizing it myself

And, the more it happens, the more I become assured that there is something misfiring in my brain. And that it is only a matter of time before it fails me completely, in one way (drooling idiot) or other (omnicidal maniac).

So, yeah, there we have it. My number one fear, towering over falling, failures, loneliness and even death. The usual wishes here, hope you enjoyed, leave a comment, next post coming some time next month.
Hex, out.

Forced Blogging

Hoo, boy. It's been over a month since my last update. How time flies, and so on.

Yeah, if you hadn't guessed, I have been keeping busy, what with neglecting the schoolwork and all, I'm sure you know the drill by now. But, certain people have been slightly pressuring me to post (if you recognize yourself, feel free to feel a sting in your dark heart). So, here's a little update on me life, with a bit of rant included.

First off, exes. In case you somehow didn't know, I got three of 'em. One (Lily) is my classmate and tries her best not to acknowledge my existence. Other (I call her BB) is so far in my past I barely even remember us. And the third one (Q) is my best friend.

Yeah, about the first (well, chronologically second, but does it really matter?) one. When this semester started, we had a brief chat about how we are both quite awesome individuals and we want to stay pals. Well, guess what? So far, that was the last time we've talked, as far as I can remember. Although I do have my own theories of the causes, her complete and utter lack of acknowledgement makes me feel bad.

Don't get me wrong, I don't miss her. Actually, let me rephrase that.  I don't miss our relationship. I do, however, kinda miss the times before that. We shared a number of laughs, and out of all of my classmates, she was the one I felt most connected with.

About the second... She's history, our history is history, all that. However, she's coming to our school next January. Although she's in a different degree program, and it is highly unlikely that we'll have anything to do with each other, being aware that I'll be seeing her around every now and then kinda makes me feel funny in my tummy. There's a reason for that, though. Y'see, I rarely really open my heart to anyone. (If you think you know me just because you read my blog, keep dreaming.)

It also applies to blogging.

 But when I let someone in, they're in for life! (My life, not theirs.)

And the third. Oh, my, where should I begin? With a clarification, I guess. For anyone doubting, I'm over her. What pisses me off, is that apparently there are certain people who don't believe it. And these people can't keep their mouths shut, but make sure they voice their opinions to Q. For instance, her female best friend A, and their mutual friend F. (Do you see what I did there?)

What's the problem with it, you ask? Well, y'see, Q is what you might call malleable. And if many enough people tell her that I possibly can't have gotten over her this easy, and still be in such good terms with her, and yadda yadda, she might start believing it. And there is no chance it won't affect our relationship. Which is in equal parts terrifying and pissing me off.

Secondly, I feel like I'm bi-polar. (I'm actually bi- many things! Lingual, for instance.) Why? Well, because I feel like I've been running on a turbo-drive for a while, and now I'm slowly but surely going to crash and burn. (AKA heading towards the depressive phase.) Don't worry, dear readers! I'm taking a healthy and adult stance on it!

Rayne Summers, the psychopathic manchild to end all psychopatic manchildren.

Well, what were you expecting? I can't afford to break down. I got a school to go to, a job to do, jokes to crack... y'know, life to live.

Thirdly, I had an insect dream last night. (You know, the one where there are insects crawling all over you?) It creeped me out good, and I slept maybe four hours during the whole night. After waking up, I tiptoed (because the floor felt like there were insects there) to bathroom and took a fifteen-minute searing hot shower. My skin no longer feels like it's crawling.

The funny thing is that last time I had dreams like that was after my nose job, when I was quitting painkillers again. Except this time it can't be withdrawal, since I have barely been eating the medicine I'm supposed to, much less ones I'm not.

Fourthly, Q's little sister, QT, asked for a shout-out. Here's for you, kid! You're a great person and I wish you the best of luck in Oulu!

More coming sometime next month. Stay tuned!

About Cheating

Hi guys!
Yes, I'm still here. No need to be that surprised.

So, yeah. This is going to be more or less the first post that actually fulfills the original intent of this whole blog. Y'see, this rant has nothing to do with my life per se, it's just something that annoys me and I want to rant about it.

Well, except for that.

The topic, as you may have noticed, is cheaters. I know I'm kinda on a high horse here, but I tend to think that that kind of behavior is simply inexcusable. Which is why I want to address few of the most common excuses used by cheaters, after they get caught or confess.

This one doesn't need a caption.

Please note that while the examples I use are mostly about sex, most of these apply to other forms of cheating as well.

Yes, for some people it constitutes as cheating.

"I was lonely."
This one pops up when the cheating has took place while either the significant other or the cheater has been on a trip, or the relationship is long-distance.
Well, guess what, grasshopper: If the SO was worth the loneliness, they were quite lonely, too. However, only one of you decided to suck it up and suffer, while the other found it easier to seek some extramarital activities. Guess which one of you sucks?

"It was just sex."
Oh, boy. Other way to phrase this one is "she [or he] doesn't mean anything to me."
So, if they didn't, then why did you decide to get intimate with them? I mean, the issue isn't whether or not your partner-in-crime means anything, it is whether your relationship and your SO do. And, quite frankly, if you decide to get some meaningless sex just because, the answer seems to be "no, they don't".

"It was with a girl, so it doesn't count."
According to the internets, this one is disturbingly common. There is a certain breed of women that seem to be under impression that cheating (on a guy) with a girl somehow makes it acceptable. What's worse, there seems to be a breed of guys that actually agree with this twisted logic, on the grounds of "Girl On Girl Is Hot". In case you're wondering, no, it does not in some magical way make it acceptable.

"It just happened."
This is my personal favorite. You see, I don't think sex is something that "just happens". Or, more specifically, if sex "just happened", chances are you have been raped. Contact the police.
No, seriously. Sex is something that happens between people. And both parties need to make a decision for it to happen consensually.

"Our relationship is at its end anyway." 
This one is a bit rarer than the previous ones. It's also a bit more fair, since if one of the parties does cheat, it more often than not does signal the end of the relationship. However... the pathetic waste of space that tries to use this excuse, why couldn't you have, i'unno, broken up the relationship before starting to screw around (literally).

Bottom line is that there just are no situations where cheating is excusable.

Even if you have something in common.

Yeah, thank you for letting me get that off my chest. As always, if you have something to say about the subject, please tell me so in the comment section. (You never do.)

Commissioned

Hi guys, long time no see. Long time in the ocean. And so on.

Guess what? Things are looking up!

Yeah, I have been on an impromptu hiatus for a while. You may or may not have noticed. After the events described in my latest post, I kind of lost my will to write (or live :P). However, I was reminded I have readers, and thus, I have obligations toward them. See, what happened was that me and Q (she's my latest ex) parted ways completely for a while. Then reconciled a bit, and are nowadays friends again. So far it's working better than expected, frankly. Yesterday, she was at my place, and told me she checks my blog every now and then, and she's hurt every time she sees my latest post. Now, being the incredibly fantastic example of humanity that I am, I simply couldn't let this travesty go on. So back in the saddle I get.

The cheeky smiley in the above paragraph will most likely be the only smiley ever seen in this blog. Enjoy.

So... what else is new? Let's see. School started again. I met with Lily (my penultimate ex) for the first time since we broke up. We talked a bit and agreed we'll try to be friends. However, after the conversation, I have only seen fleeting glimpses of her. Most likely it has been accidental, but I have got a vibe that she's avoiding me. It is a great big shame. She's a great person, and the time when we were friends, as well as majority of our relationship, was great time. I know this gives the wrong idea to y'all, but I miss her being in my life.

Ummm... yeah, I don't think I want to.

Rapids moved back to the apartment, and we also got a new flatmate. Say hi to Alucard! He's a funny guy and we get along great. I've also actually spent some time with Rapids, and turns out he's a really swell guy too. I don't think I could've got better flatties if I'd got to hand-pick them myself.

On the minus side, the workload at school will be swamping me this autumn once again. I already have something like four different projects going on, and I'm trying to hold a job as a clerk in addition to schoolwork. I've also picked up two bad habits I really didn't see myself doing: Drinking and smoking.

Yeah, I drink alcohol now. I'm not proud of it or anything, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it either. I don't drink in excess, and I've found it does wonderful in loosening me up. I'll keep it in moderation. The smoking is much worse. I am a bit ashamed about it. Q, Kotihiiri, Lily, Meta, Ray... anyone who happens to stumble over this, I know what you think and what you would say. Don't bother. I'll probably quit sometime later this semester, when I feel like it. Right now, I don't, which means anything you'd say would just annoy me. So don't bother.

Oh, and while hanging out with exchange students I found out what Arnold Schwartzenegger's surname really means! It's Schwartzen egger, Black etch.

And, I finally found the tattoo I want.
(For those of you that don't know, pictured is the  evolution line of the original Ghost-type Pokémon.)

I Suck At Relationships

 
I just wrote a post, so I'll try to keep this one brief.
Day before yesterday, Q and I went to her parents' place to pick strawberries. Afterwards, we sat on their back porch and talked about our relationship and the problems concerning it.

I am happy to inform y'all that we worked everything out. We agreed to try to get this relationship work, because we know we can.

Don't believe a word of what you read in the last paragraph, it was all a lie. In truth, she took care of most of the talking business, while I focused on the listening part. It turns out, she does not love me like she thinks she should if we are to have a romantic relationship. However, she hopes we could still be friends, since she still does love me as a friend, and values me highly, and... you know the drill.

I can't help but feel like that's a bit selfish. "Hey, I'm sorry I can't give you what you want. But you could still give me what I want! That's better than nothing, right?"

Sorry if I sound bitter. No, wait, no I'm not. Right now my life holds no meaning and I have no real reason to continue it. However, and I know this may become as a disappointment to some people, I am not going to "do something" to myself.

That's all I got right now. Well, that, and slowly growing feeling, that I will never get into another relationship. Them ending hurts too bad.